And You Will Be Landfill
August 7, 2011
from a coffee table book now available by New Belgium Brewing Company, originally published in Propeller Magazine
{Day of show routine for the 2009 Tour de Fat: Chicago, Minneapolis, Seattle, Portland, Boise, Fort Collins, Denver, San Francisco, San Diego, Tempe, Austin}
8:00AM: Wake up in undisclosed location, usually on couch of a friend, or friend of a friend of a friend. Sometimes seedy hotel, though not usually, as that costs money. Get dressed in Goodwill-procured period-correct attire. Brush teeth, maybe, and apply deodorant.
8:30AM: Ride bicycle with full backpack (water, shoes, business cards, etc.) to find coffee at nearest local café en route to festival site. This inevitably includes getting lost.
9:00AM: Arrive at site. Stare at the vast expanse of stages and gimmicky devices scattered about on the grass and think, “Here we go again.” Sigh. Then hug every other coworker with whom I’ve been on tour all summer/fall and experience relief of company.
9:05AM: Locate Wolverine Farm Publishing’s Nomadic Engagement Device (aka “literary gypsy cart”) tucked somewhere under a tree where NBB carnies have stashed it after unloading it the previous day.
9:15AM: Set up cart, restocking Boneshaker: A Bicycling Almanac and Matter Journal to be sold throughout the day.
9:30AM: Find more coffee, usually from someone’s car trunk, then chat to the one adoring fan who has come early and sought out the cart and wants to make small talk about font and perfect binding.
10:00AM: Remount bicycle and join wandering, raucous bicycle parade through city. Shout, “Happy Saturday” over and over until it is true and my lungs ache with exertion.
11:00AM: Lock bicycle to cart. Duck backstage to don Landfill costume, consisting of Tyvek faux-Haz Mat suit, gas mask, trash can lid adhered to construction hat, and rubber boots and gloves.
11:15AM: Appear onstage during opening theme song number. Dance around holding a sign reading, “Landfill.” Think to myslef, “This is my life as a writer?”
11:16AM: De-costume backstage.
11:17AM: Mentally prepare to sell books.
11:18AM: Sell books.
1:00PM: Reappear onstage as myself, sans Landfill costume. Clap hands excitedly as a free cruiser bicycle is given out via wristband numbers. Lower bicycle to giddy (buzzed?) raffle winner.
1:05PM: Return to selling books at the cart. Talk to people who had no idea there would be books for sale at a bicycle/beer ballyhoo and convince them that it is a wise pairing and that they will like these books. Besides, these books are the same price as a beer, so, hey, why not, right? Please… Excellent!
2:00PM: Find food at one of the vendors and pay for it with a special blue token. Mutter, “Thank you,” and wander for a few moments in the shade wishing I could take a nap, and that I hadn’t decided on a full wool get-up or drinking two beers before food.
2:10PM: Yes, sell more books and “engage people.”
3:45PM: Reprise role of Landfill as festival goers are told how many pounds of compost, trash, and recycling they have created during the day. Landfill always has the smallest amount.
5:00PM: Pack cart closed and drag it near the truck where it will be loaded later in evening by people paid way more than me.
6:00PM: Turn down several invitations to party in cool bars across the city and instead hope I can sleep as soon as possible, but realize that I can’t remember the address of the place I’m staying, and I’ll have to ride around until I find it.
8:00PM: Eat food. Collapse. And then think regretfully that I should have more stamina than this.
