My Apologies
April 23, 2011
a project completed for Portland, Oregon’s 2011 Fun-A-Day
1. Hello, Fun-A-Day. I thought I should warn you that this whole thing, these letters to people all over the country, it’s like a telescope into my subconscious. You will soon be stumbling around in my head, swimming in my thoughts, muddied in my strangeness, and for that I’m sorry because being in my mind is a lot like being in Germany when you only speak French. See? Like that. I don’t even know what that means.
My apologies,
Evan P.
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2. That was very nice of you, inviting me over like that with just a few other people, into your home, your kitchen, your simple life. You even made food, nice food that I should have eaten without comment. And yet, when you said, “You eat meat, right?” I responded, in all seriousness, “Are you kidding me?!” I really did think you were kidding, but you were not. You didn’t know that for abstract reasons such as “localism” I was not eating meat. Really, I was fatter than I had ever been and wanted to slim down. I’m still embarrassed. Let’s hope you have forgotten my response that evening, and I, in the future, am more grateful than I am philosophical. How condescending.
Happy New Year,
Evan P.
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3. Sorry I ruined summer. I’m also sorry that I stole that last phrase from the internet.
I hope you’re liking New York,
Evan P.
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4. Hello. There’s no good way to say this, so I’ll just say it: I’m sorry that the car ran out of gas on the way back from the body shop. As you know, I had just barely paid it off, then as you also know it achieved massive hail damage. But what you didn’t know was then I ran out of money, then I asked you for some, then I was out of town and you were nice enough to pick it up for me. My very own car, for godssake. Not the one you bought for me when I was 15, but the one I bought as an adult. Plum ran out of gas. There’s really no way to very easily apologize for this, so I’ll just stop. I love you, though.
Your son,
Evan P.
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5. The problem is the cats. They are boy cats (which means they’re pretty big), loaded with feline energy and so they like to play at night in the apartment right above you. They are so loud. If I was you, I would pound on the ceiling with a broomstick, but you must be really tolerant, or just hard of hearing. Anyway, thanks, and sorry.
Your upstairs neighbor,
Evan P.
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6. I’m sorry that I did not cheer loud enough for you to win the National Championship game.
Better luck next year,
Evan P.
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7. After having too much to drink at the Holiday Ale Fest last month, you guys invited me over to join you in going to a birthday party. I didn’t know whose birthday it was, but I said sure, I’ll go. Then I brought my friend Kenneth. In preparation, you made a delicious dip, which I did not know was for the party. You’re always so nice, providing so many tasty things when you have me over, I thought this was one of them. It was not. I’m sorry I ate more than half of it before we even left. I was drunk and hungry and I’m still uncomfortable with the fact that I did that. I wish I could go back and not eat it, but I can’t.
Maybe I’ll see you guys again soon,
Evan P.
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8. Remember that time I scoffed at the type of cereal you bought? That was cruel and awful. I hate that. I’m sorry.
I hope you can still love me,
Evan P.
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9. I’m sorry that due to its age and brand my “smart” phone produces texts conversations like this:
Evan P.: Were
Evan P.: Were you at
Evan P.: Were you at the Blazers game last night?
Dan: You are drunk. And, yes.
Evan P.: No, my phone is drunk. Blackberry is the worst phone ever in the history of the world. I’ve told you as much.
Dan: Judith composed that to cover for you.
Evan P.: False. I wish. I can’t wait for Verizon to get the uPhonr
Evan P.: Waha g
Evan P.: H
Your friend,
Evan P.
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10. I had too much cheese at lunch and you came around the corner just as it was hitting me. Sorry about that. I hope this doesn’t damage our workspace relationship.
See you tomorrow,
Evan P.
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11. I’m sorry I don’t know what I’m doing. I wish I did. This would be a lot more enjoyable.
Hopefully, I’ll learn,
Evan P.
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12. Do you remember that time we were playing in front of the yard as kids and I said we should box each other, and then I punched you as hard as I could in the stomach before anyone said “Go!” That was a low thing to do. You can hit me anywhere you want next Christmas if you wish.
Until then,
Your brother
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13. I am sorry that when you wake, at times you have had no real rest at all. I would not be able to function in such a case. In fact, the only authentic meaning I often find in life is that which is given to me when I awake, freshly optimistic about what my hands and eyes and mind can possibly do that day before bed. I hope, then, that you will not be long and estranged from your enlightening moments in the dark.
All best,
Evan P.
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14. I’m sorry you didn’t get interviewed for that job for which you applied and for which I wrote you a letter of recommendation. That was a lot of work.
Better luck next time,
Evan P.
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15. I am of course very sorry for any confusion, but would like to point out that the air is nice for this little while and I hope it blows through your hair and past your face softly enough to tickle, but just hard enough to remind you that the wind, though invisible, is still really something.
Onward,
Evan P.
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16. Sorry: this much fun is hard to describe.
See you next year,
Evan P.
